“You’d be prettier if you smiled more; Could you be a doll and get someone more qualified to help me; There’s no way you could be the manager, your just a kid; Hey there pretty lady; What country are you from? Your hair looks better straight; You don’t act/sound black; Can I touch your hair?” Just a select few common micro-aggressive phrases I’ve actually had said to me by other people throughout my life, sometimes on a regular basis. Do I look as if I’m a child that shouldn’t be taken seriously?
Being a 25 year old mixed woman in America, can be tough at times. I hate seeing how differently I get treated because I’m a woman, because my skin is a darker complexion, or because of my young age. I’ve had so many instances where I would be handling a disgruntled guest at my job (receptionist) and they would start yelling and carrying on with me, but as soon as I would grab the manager who was a middle aged white male, an instant 360 degree change in their demeanor. I’ve never been a person to use my race, gender, age or anything as an excuse to say I have it harder than others in life or that I face more setbacks, but when I see drastic changes in people’s behavior between me and another person in less than a minute, it’s hard to not ask myself those ‘what if’ questions.
Alongside being a young, multiracial, women, I can be very shy and soft spoken. This literally gets me nowhere in life. Yay me! It’s funny because most women of color get labeled as loud, aggressive, pushy, etc. I’m in no way a loud or aggressive person and I wish stereotypes didn’t hold so much regard for the way people handle their first impressions and interactions with others. The first time in my life that I ever thought the color of my skin made me different than others was when I was in elementary school. Kids would ask me all the time, “Is that you’re Mom?” I thought nothing of it because I knew my mom was my mom. No questions asked, but one day a kid asked me a different question.
“Are you adopted?” I was so confused by this question. What does adopted mean? This question was on my mind all day long until I got home and finally asked my mom what it meant. She giggled and told me the meaning and that I was in no way adopted. I still never grasped the concept of being different based on the way I looked until I had run-ins with racists acts face to face. I had a boy in the 2nd grade tell me he didn’t like me back because I was black. It confused me so much. What’s wrong with being black? I’d ask myself, hardly understanding the meaning behind the word black. I’d have more accounts like this throughout my life from being taken to white only country clubs to having to cancel photo-shoots with prejudice photographers. I could make a whole grocery list of things that have happened to me in my life just because of the color of my skin. Then to add the accounts because of my gender or age, the list only grows.
You know what I find just as laughable as racism, gender rules and sexism. Woman acting loud or aggressive and then being labeled as bitches or unattractive, especially black women who get this reputation before speaking a single word. Yet men acting loud and aggressive in the same fashion being labeled masculine or sexy. The gender rules for how a person should and shouldn’t act or what makes a man a man and a women a women is a load of crap! All we are teaching future generations is that it’s NOT okay for a person to do and act in ways that make them feel like themselves. Saying a boy can’t pick flowers and put them in his hair because its girly is stupid. What if he wants to grow up to be a botanist and this is his stepping stone to realizing his dream? Well guess what, a whole society of marginalized robots just told him he can’t because it’s a “woman’s job”. Give me a break.
I never truly saw the line of treatment between being male and female until I entered the work force and got into a serious relationship with a white man (an ex of mine). Customer service jobs are the worst at revealing the true colors of people. Anytime I would be working alongside other women I would notice how we would run into more angry guests than if I were working with male counterparts. I’d also notice a change in demeanor in most guests if I would grab a male co-worker or manager vs. a female co-worker or manager in problem situations. It would only make me think… What if I were the manager? Would they still treat me with this same level of disrespect? Or worse because I’m even younger than they are? Unfortunately the answer is yes. People don’t take women as serious as they do men. Why this is, is beyond me.
Do we seem like push-overs?
Do our words not hold the same gumption as men?
Is it our looks?
I’ve always have a million questions running through my head when I run into instances where my words hold no grounds to be listened to or followed. Even other women are this way, it’s not just men who act as if I have no authority when I speak. Its everyone and it baffles me.
I was a manager at a convenient store at 18 years old. While I was there I had customers ask for the manager ALL-THE-TIME. It felt so good and empowering to look those people dead in their eyes and say, “You’re speaking with the manager.” It was like YES! I will finally earn the respect of this customer because they have no other option but to deal with me, the manager. This did nothing to change the way customers would treat me though. They would continue their rambling or shouting and I would tell them the exact same thing I had literally just said two seconds before they knew I was the manager and I would end up with an angry customer storming out of my store. Why? Because they just couldn’t take me seriously. Funny isn’t it?
There is no aspect of my life that isn’t pre-judged or affected by what people see me as, a young, African American, female. I find this in no way disempowering to be a woman or to be multiracial. All I care about is being respected as much as anyone else of any other race or sexual orientation! It’s as simple as that. I noticed the difference in treatment between me and an ex of mine who was a white male. When we would have to deal with customer service agents for say, moving into a new home, calling a customer service agent, etc. anytime I would speak with these people I would get the run around. “We’re sorry for the inconvenience, but there’s just nothing we can do. Sorry, not sorry.” Then I put the white male on the phone and BOOM! Problem resolved and oh, they'll even throw in a free $20 off the next order. Give me a freaking break. Not only have I dealt with these experiences personally, but recently since currently being in a relationship with a black male and rekindling my relationship with my father I can see the other side of the disrespect I and other people of color face when in just about all situations.
It is crazy to me how some of the simplest situations can be turned sour just because of the color of my skin. My boyfriend and I were discussing something recently that you wouldn’t think to be a racial issue, but most definitely is. I had to go renew my license at the BMV and while I was there filling out the new papers he asked me why I put “other” as my race instead of “African American”(I don’t believe this is a question you get asked at a BMV, it was just a question that came up randomly). I never really thought of it to be something to talk about, but later in the day his family, himself, and I had an entire discussion about it. I told him that I choose the “other” box because they don’t have a multiracial box to choose from … yet. Then thinking about it more I asked myself, “Why do they need to know what race I am in order for me to do the job properly?” The answer is, they don’t. They only want to know so that they can pre-judge me and decide if they need another one of my kind at their establishment. Same goes for my sexual orientation. Not a necessary thing to need to know in order for a person to do a job unless it involved extreme manual labor. Now, asking me if I can lift more than 50 pounds, type 50 wpm (words per minute), or anything relevant to the job itself is perfectly understandable. Asking if I’m a male or female to see if they think a woman can do that job or a black woman can do that job is not needed.
I can think of so many instances and things in this world built to hold me back or make me feel insecure and less than a person because of my race, sexual orientation, and my youth. There have been plenty of times that my spirit has been broken and the stigma that I am not capable of doing certain things because of … have beaten me down to feel worthless, but every time that happens I find a way to remind myself that I am a bad ass, multiracial, female that is capable of doing anything and everything I put my mind to. I have to move past the fact that most people in this world won’t take me seriously or will choose to count me out before giving me a chance just because of those minuscule things. I choose to not shrink back, not to let the systemic oppression win and to succeed at all the things people believed I couldn’t achieve. I want all the other women who read this and are saying, “Isn’t that the truth.” To do the exact same thing and always remember that a life that’s challenging is only that way because the universe obviously favors us and thinks we are capable of handling that all extra challenging stuff. So what I am basically saying is GIRLS RULE! Everyone else is just cool. 😎
Things to check out:
10 Excellent Sites on Women’s Rights
Black Girl in Om (Apple Podcast)